Advice is a Smorgasbord

A few of my good friends have become new moms recently.

Visiting and talking with them has reminded me of what a stressful, life-changing time it is when a baby turns you from an individual into a parent!

Not only are you sleep deprived and exhausted, but everything about this experience is new and unfamiliar! I remember thinking it was a good day if I got to have a shower! It’s so easy to second guess yourself, especially when everyone around you is sprinkling you with nuggets of advice.

Looking back at that time in my life, I would say this to my "new mom" friends: consider advice a smorgasbord.

Try not to get defensive and get sucked into your fear that you’re not a good mom or you don’t know enough. You’re the one who has been with this baby since its conception - 7 x 24! You know them better than anyone in this world! Remind yourself that you’re doing great and there is NO ONE in this world who could be better for this baby - you’re perfect for each other!

My daughter (that wise little soul!) put this in beautiful context for me one day. She was about four, I’d had a lousy day and we were driving home from daycare when she looked over at me and said "Mommy, you might not be the best mommy in the world".

At this point, my head hung low, the tears welled up and I thought "Great, even my kid doesn’t love me!"

Then she piped up with "But you’re the BEST mommy for me!"

Yup - I had to pull the car over, because I was crying for real now - but tears of joy and gratitude. Out of the mouths of babes...

So accept that part of this journey is for you to learn to trust yourself as a parent. Stop, take a deep breath and imagine all that advice as a great big buffet table heaped with choices. Advice will always be plentiful, especially when you’re pregnant, have a new baby or when you have a misbehaving child in a public place! :-)

Some of it will work for you, some of it you’ll immediately know isn’t for you. Some you’ll want to try first, to see how it tastes! Remember that advice comes with the best of intentions, an abundance of love and often (especially from your own mother or mother-in-law) comes from wanting to be a part of this baby’s life. Keeping this in mind will help you genuinely express your thanks for their caring, but will also allow you to decide what works for you.

You never know where the good advice is going to come from, so listen to it all, consider it, compare it to your own parenting goals and vision, then decide which ones you want to try and which you want to discard.

Believe nothing,
no matter where you read it
or who has said it,
not even if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.

- Buddha

(Originally published September 4, 2007 at iwasthinking.ca)