Being "fearless"
(2007-09-15 17:37)
Through Chris Flett’s blog ([1]http://www.chrisflett.com/2007/06/26/getting-past-fear-in- life/), I heard about Susan Piver’s latest book "How not to be afraid of your own life".
What a great book! I’m about half way through and loving it!
She caught me early on with her definition of fearlessness:
A fearless heart is one that is able to remain open in all cases, retains mental and emotional flexibility, and never loses sight of anyone’s humanity, dignity, and decency, including its own. In this sense, fearlessness is an expression of balance and sanity. When we can tolerate ambiguity, space, and confusion without taking a defensive or aggressive stance, we are acting courageously.
This is what I aspire to be! More and more, I’m finding the ways to recognize my own fears and the impact they have on my everyday interactions. Only once we can recognize, let go and replace those fears with true trust in our authentic selves do we find the peace and joy we’re all looking for.
And that’s not to say that all of the conflict, pain, worry, stress, anger and fear are gone from our lives. Our human existence will always be tumultuous - it’s supposed to be! But the way we react and deal with it is what we do have control over.
I started out having a tough night last night. My husband was out of town on business and my in-laws left for a camping trip - so I’m without my usual support system. I’m on my own with three energetic kids and feeling kind of low on the energy needed to deal with them positively! My daughter started acting up, arguing with me, or even more infuriating, ignoring what I was saying.
She was tormenting her little brothers and generally making a nuisance of herself. I found myself reacting and getting more and more perturbed. I felt like I had to stop the behavior, give consequences, make her act differently - but nothing was making her stop! No amount of reasoning, pointing out the need to follow the golden rule (you wouldn’t like it if I didn’t listen to you, would you?), ultimatums or reprimands were working!
Finally, at one point, I stopped and looked at what I was doing. I realized that I was getting more and more upset - not because of what she was doing, but based on the thoughts running through my head. Things like "she has to stop behaving like this", "she has to start listening to people", "I hate when she talks like that to her little brother", etc...
Looking deeper, why were these thoughts creating such upset for me? What it came down to was a fear that this behavior might turn into a lifelong habit which would result in her not having friends, people not liking her, her brothers feeling the kind of hurt that I felt as a child and her not being happy (which, you’ve got to admit, is a frightening picture of your child’s future!).
But really, these are just my fears - not reality! My daughter shows me in so many ways what a wonderful, thoughtful, empathetic and caring person she is.
So, I took a deep breath, acknowledged my fear and put it aside. I chose, instead, to think of this as a passing moment that had nothing to do with the bright and positive future she has ahead of her. I reminded myself of what a wonderful child she is and what a wonderful woman she will become!
Based on these more positive thoughts, I could respond to her in a different way - in a way that was empowering and positive. I was able to show her my love and belief in her, rather than my doubt and fear. And she reacted in kind very quickly!
Once I could give her hugs and positive encouragement instead of reprimands and ultimatums, she was getting more of the attention that she really needed, and could stop fishing for attention in other ways.
It’s so hard to find consciousness in the midst of the usual chaos - which is why I want to remember this moment.
I’m so grateful when I can experience and recognize a different way! It gives me hope that I can get more consistent at stepping out of the fear to live a "fearless" life!
See Susan’s posting at [2]http://www.susanpiver.com/2007/08/24/on-beliefnet-today/Â to link to a wonderful article she wrote about techniques for dealing with your fear.
