"Bad people don't live in houses..."

My daughter was five years old, a few months into Kindergarten, and enjoying her new found freedom. One evening, we were lying in bed talking about our day when she said "Mommy, I think I'm big enough now to go on an adventure by myself." Swallowing the panic and the immediate impulse to start lecturing her "No way! You're still way too little...", I bit my tongue and decided to explore this idea a little with her.

"Well, where do you think you would go if you went on an adventure?"
"Maybe to the park?"

"Do you know our address and phone number in case you got lost along the way?"
"No, but I know we live in the blue house - isn't that good?"

I made a mental note to point out blue houses the next time we went for a drive. How would she tell someone which blue house she lived in?

My next questions was: "Who do you think you would ask for help, if you were lost?"

My husband and I had talked to her about the fact that there are some people in this world who might want to hurt her or take her away from us. We've told her that, no matter what anyone says, we would search for her our entire lives (like most parents, the thought alone makes me feel ill...)

We'd also told her that those people were few and that if the trees in a giant forest were all the people in the world, only one might want to hurt her. Once she started school and was going to be away from us more, we knew she needed to be aware - but didn't want her scared of everyone either!! (It's a tough balance to find with an outgoing and friendly five year old!)

So, what was her answer?

She thought for a moment, then said "Well, I would ask a policeman, if I saw one. Or maybe a mommy."

Okay, that's not a bad answer so far.

"Or I would just go knock on a house and ask for help."

I didn't understand her logic on that one though. "Why would you do that?" I asked.

"Because bad people don't live in houses."

Fortunately, I recognized this as one of those "teachable moments" that parenting books talk about. It turned out to be a learning opportunity for me, as much as it was for her. I realized that our children sometimes get strange (and sometimes dangerous) ideas.

"Well honey, where do you think they live?" She didn't have an answer for that one.

So we talked for a while about how you can't tell what kind of person someone is just by looking at them or where they live. Someone could be dressed well, be smiling and talk nicely and still might want to hurt her. Or it could be the other way around - someone could look weird, smell funny or be dressed in torn and dirty clothes, but still have a heart of gold. In short - the outside stuff doesn't define the person and their inner worth.

We also talked about trusting that feeling in your tummy - if it's all nervous, it's okay to run away to somewhere safe. In fact, if the person you're scared of is really nice instead of scary, they won't mind that you've run to where you know you're safe - they'll understand!

She decided that maybe she wasn't quite ready to go out alone yet (Whew!), so we took our flashlights that weekend and explored our neighborhood together at night instead.

What I learned was to keep talking and listening! I think it's important to have those "what if..." conversations with our kids. If we've encouraged them to think about things before they happen, they'll be more likely, in the heat of the moment, to make decisions that will keep them safe.

We can't have control of every situation, but we can teach our kids how to think things through and empower them to keep themselves as safe as possible!

Therefore, I've been trying to have specific, planned conversations (i.e. What would you do if you couldn't find Mommy in a store? What would you do if someone - even our neighbor - offered to take you to the park? Etc...)

In addition, I try to bring an element of this "what if..." thinking into all discipline. When my older son (the active, jumping, climbing, acrobat guy!) decides today is a good day to do backflips off the couch, I try not to just shout at him that the living room isn't a gym! I go over to him, stop him and ask him to look around - what could happen? Make him think about it - it might leave his consciousness as soon as he turns around to the next potential "springboard", but I think it increases the likelihood of him remembering next time. (And hopefully reduces the possibility of hospital emergency room visits with him!!)

As Barbara Coloroso says - we need to teach this next generation how to think, not what to think!

(Originally published September 10, 2007)