Mommy Cuddles

When my daughter was about three years old, she discovered that she loved to cuddle at bedtime. I started lying down with her after her story – we’d often talk, then she would fall asleep.

One evening, she asked for a “Mommy-cuddle” yet again (for about the tenth night in a row). I remember standing at her door, thinking “be careful – this is turning into a habit”.

Then I caught myself and thought – but is this necessarily a bad habit?

I suppose I was worried that she would need to have me there to get to sleep every night, or that she was using this opportunity to delay going to sleep. Thinking about it for a moment, I realized that she’s not going to be sixteen and needing me to lie down next to her every night in order to get to sleep, and of course she likes that she can put off bedtime for a little while!

But when she’s a teenager, I’m going to be wishing that she would talk to me. If we don’t set up those patterns now, when she’s young, enjoys being with me and talks to me about everything and anything, how can I expect her to suddenly open up to me when she’s a hormone-driven, rebellious teenager? It will be so much harder then!

If we’ve already got this pattern set up as a night-time tradition, perhaps she’ll be comfortable sharing things with me – in the dark, when it’s proven to be safe to talk and share and even cry.

My daughter is nine now and we still have Mommy-cuddles every week.

Sometimes, she doesn’t want to talk so she asks me about my day instead – I share with her my successes, my struggles, my laughter. I tell her stories about when I was a kid, or things that her Oma & Opa used to tell me.

Other times, she finds the dark that safe place that she can tell me about the kids who teased her or the fight she had with her friend. She often asks the tougher questions then as well – What’s the F word? Tell me about sex. Why do you see everything I do wrong but don’t see when I do something right? What’s a lesbian? Why do people get divorced? Why is it okay for boys to take off their shirts but not for girls?

And I get the opportunity to help her think it through, give her some perspective or share my experience with her while she’s paying attention – not watching TV, not distracted by her brothers, not impatient to get somewhere. She’s focused on trying to figure these things out.

In that little window of time, in the dark, she opens up and shares herself with me – what a gift!

Now I just have to wait and see if it will carry us through the teenager years…

Eric (2007-09-02 14:01:32)
What a gift you’re giving your daughter (and yourself!)

(originally published August 30, 2007 at iwasthinking.ca)